Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
H.L. MENCKEN
My wife thinks I still retain some of the traits I had when I was a Calvinist in my twenties. This is because I seem to be against having a good time. I think she is wrong on this one, but I understand why she would draw that conclusion that I am Mr. No Fun. This is because I am against many of the things that people think are fun.
The first thing I don't do is drink alcoholic beverages. I have had a few drinks in my life until I developed gout in my forties. The pain of that condition forced me to give up having a cold beer. Later, I became a traumatic brain injury survivor that gave me another reason to be a teetotaller. Brain damage and alcohol don't mix. I don't care to keep other people from drinking. I'm just no fun at parties now.
The second thing I am against are big boy toys. I live in a place where working class men love to buy fun things on credit like boats, RV campers, Jeeps, motorcycles, ATVs, and on and on. These things see action for a season until they end up collecting rust and dust somewhere from disuse. Sometimes, they get repossessed because these idiots lose their jobs and the ability to make those monthly payments.
I am also against the REI types as opposed to the Bass Pro Shop types who spend less on their toys but also less time with them because they require human power. This would be mountain bikes and kayaks and hiking gear. They buy gear that never touches the water or the trail, but they will strap it all to the roofs of their Subaru Outbacks to parade around town each weekend. It amounts to a toy parade.
The third thing is my plant based diet. I do not eat meat, dairy, or eggs which is an even bigger reason why I am no fun at parties, dinners, and other social events. I do not care to change my diet to be more social because I think destroying the bathroom on a meathead diet would not be a good thing.
The fourth thing is my disdain for professional sports. You have steroids, concussions, rigged games, gambling influences, anthem kneelers, and criminal athletes that belong in prison. Consequently, I can't make the Superbowl party.
The fifth thing is my loss of love for travel. My wife probably hates it more than me because she is the principal driver now. She floats the idea of going on a cruise, and I remind her of diarrhea and vomit soaked adventures because one of the passengers boarded with the norovirus. I don't care to do this.
I am definitely not fun. I was going to defend myself pointing to fun things I do now, but it amounts to listening to the radio in the dark with my eyes closed as I destimulate my damaged brain. When I feel silly, I play my kazoo for ten minutes or until my wife shuts me down.
What I can say is that my lack of fun is not because of lingering Calvinism or Puritanism. I am Mr. No Fun because I got old. Then, I got busted up. I have already had my fun in life. I am laying low now until the Lord calls me home.
