Charlie's Blog: The TMI Report


The TMI Report

I'm vegan which means I poop three times a day.

This post is about a sensitive topic. This topic would be poop. This is why it is titled "The TMI Report" because I am going to share way too much information. If this is something you can't handle, you need to abandon ship now. Otherwise, proceed with caution and know that you were warned.

One day at work, this kind lady I worked with asked me if I had any Pepto-Bismol. I thought this was kinda odd because I never thought about it or considered it. When was the last time I had bought a bottle of the pink stuff? I realized it had been years. I never used the stuff anymore. I also don't buy it or keep any on hand along with other digestive remedies like Milk of Magnesia. Tums, Rolaids, Alka-Seltzer, or Ex-Lax. We just don't have this stuff in our home.

I asked the lady about her distress, and she said that she had an "upset stomach." This is just a polite way of saying that she had explosive diarrhea. She was in danger of crapping herself with a full work day ahead of her. I also know this lady eats a lot of crap in her diet. She is not alone. Virtually everyone else in our workplace eats a similar diet with similar results. This has lead to many epic stories over the years.

One fellow was out on his route when he crapped his pants. Someone took pity on him and went to Walmart to buy him some clean underwear and a fresh pair of pants. Another fellow stopped at a popular barbecue place for lunch and ended up literally painting the walls of the men's restroom at work with diarrhea. For everyone else, it has been day long distress and close calls. I have also heard horror stories from other people with similar situations on their jobs. Why does this happen?

I told the kind lady with the squirts that she needed to stop eating crap and eat a plant based diet. I shared this information which no one takes because once upon a time I had similar issues. I would keep a bottle of Pepto going in my refrigerator at all times and went through a bottle per month. I would buy the two packer to save money on the Pepto. I was also a fan of Imodium. This was when I was a meathead eating the standard american diet or what I call the drive thru diet.

When I was eating crap, diarrhea was a chronic condition of my life. I had more close calls than I can count and some that I flat out missed. It was awful. Looking back, I can't believe I ever went through that needless suffering for decades of my life. Virtually every person I know goes through this same distress. It doesn't have to be this way.

The reason people who eat crap have these problems is because the human digestive system is not made for digesting meat. It is made for digesting plants. When you have meat, dairy, and eggs in your diet, your gut has to produce extra bile to break down the fats and animal protein in your gut. This has the effect of liquifying everything else in your gut. This still doesn't get the job done.

Meat is mostly digested in the colon by the bacteria living there. Essentially, you have a decaying animal corpse in your guts. This leads to all sorts of intestinal issues and inflammation. Your body rids itself of pathogens and irritants by shutting down and expunging it as diarrhea. This is why people with dysentery end up with diarrhea and dying from dehydration. The body is trying to save itself by expunging the offending element.

When you eat crap, your body tries to preserve itself by getting it out as quickly as possible. This is why you get upset stomach and diarrhea. You can provoke this response every time you eat a Whopper with cheese meal from Burger King. Don't ask me how I know this.

When I went vegan, I did so with trepidation. I thought all of the extra fiber I got would cause me to have diarrhea on steroids sort of like what happens when you drink prune juice. I was worried about this, but it was a needless worry. As I adjusted to the new way of eating, things settled down in my stomach. My daily episode of diarrhea vanished. I no longer felt pain in my guts or had upset stomach. I kept that bottle of Pepto on hand just in case, but I finally threw it out when it had expired. I haven't bought a bottle of it since then.

Have I had problems since then? Of course. One time, I caught some 24 hour stomach bug which upset my stomach. Another time, I ate an entire bag of Superfruit jelly beans. The excess vitamin C stimulated an episode of diarrhea. Another time, I ate three tablespoons of flax seed which had a stimulating effect on my colon. That was three episodes in seven years. This was quite different from three to five episodes per week on the old diet.

Before I went vegan, I cleaned up my diet a bit by switching to grilled chicken and fish. I ate turkey sandwiches. None of this clean eating made any difference in my gastrointestinal issues. I would still get diarrhea. As for constipation, I could count on this if I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on white bread. I ate four of these in one day because I was poor and didn't have money for groceries. Later, I thought I was giving birth to a cinder block.

The constipation issue appears to be an issue for people trying out the new carnivore diet. This is where you eat nothing but meat. Is it stupid? You betcha. And one of the worst aspects of it is that all that meat with zero fiber plugs you up. One guy on the Joe Rogan podcast candidly admitted that he blew out his butthole with this carnivore insanity. This is what made him switch to a vegan diet.

Since switching to a vegan diet, I poop two to three times a day. These are healthy movements with no strain or distress. I would characterize them as downright delightful. And I don't have close calls where I am about to crap myself. If there is a downside to this program, you will go through some toilet paper. I use more than the average person because I crap more than the average person. But I would rather buy toilet paper than go back to the intestinal nightmare of my old diet.

Gas is another issue. The first thing I noticed was that I had way more gas. This definitely comes from eating beans, tofu, broccoli, and other gas building plant foods,.When I break wind now, it is very loud due to the high volume of air exiting my butthole. But the smell is not nearly as bad as when I had decaying animal flesh in my guts. The result is that I have twice the sound and none of the fury.

Overall, my health and well being have improved tremendously on a vegan diet. The most noticeable effect has definitely been with my digestion. If this was the only benefit I ever received from being vegan, then it was the worth the switch because I suffered tremendously in the old days. I don't suffer now.

As an epilogue, we had a friend over who basically eats the way I used to eat. Not only does she avail herself of the various remedies for digestive issues mentioned in this post, but she keeps a "sh*t kit" in the glove box of her car in case of accidents. Basically, it is a ziploc bag with wet wipes and a clean pair of underwear. It is sad that people are reduced to such things. We had her over to our home and fed her a meal of the same things I eat. She candidly admitted that it resulted in the most massive poop of her life. It was so big that she could have named it. It totally cleaned her out. Unfortunately, she did not use the multi-flush approach I use which resulted in our toilet getting backed up. Otherwise, I am happy that she got to experience for one time what I do three times a day or more.

In conclusion, I know this post definitely lived up to its advertising as the TMI Report. You probably wished you had not read to this point, but you did. All I can tell you is that I warned you. I have sacrificed a large part of my personal dignity to deliver this vital message to you, Gentle Reader. If you're living on Pepto-Bismol and have embarrassed yourself with unfortunate events requiring a change of clothing, I am telling you that it doesn't have to be this way. I have heard stories of people who reversed their Crohn's disease on a plant based diet. You owe it to yourself to go vegan. Otherwise, you're stuck with a really crappy life.