The Lesson

Christians assume that I am mad at God, and this explains my atheism. This simply isn't true. I honestly do not believe that God exists. I can't hate what does not exist.

There was a time when I was very angry at God. I hated him. I hated him because he let my roommate kill himself. We were both seminarians, and I discovered after his death that my roomie was a closeted homosexual. I remember this Bible verse from Isaiah 42:3 echoing in my brain:

A bruised reed he will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not snuff out.

My roommate was the smoldering wick. God had failed him. I would spend the next five years trying to understand that tragedy. I found that understanding in the Kershaw County Library while reading a National Geographic and looking at pelvic bones in whales. It struck me that evolution was a fact, and I had spent 30 years of my life believing a lie.

My roommate killed himself because he hated what he was. He hated something he could not change. And if I could go back in time, the saving knowledge I would give him would be that there was no God. Fuck Christ in his crucified ass.

I found peace with God when I found that there was no God. That was the lesson I learned. It was tough to accept and embrace that truth. It meant accepting that there was no afterlife. There was no one up there watching out for me. I was alone in an indifferent universe. But I had the courage to accept those things, and I am better for it.

(SORRY! The rest of this post has been deleted. Greta and I have settled our differences and apologized to one another. I wish her nothing but the best in her life. All is forgiven.)

The Private Journal of Mr. C.

Shrinks and therapy are a waste of money. I don't mean to imply that therapy is not beneficial. Talking about your problems certainly helps. But as studies indicate, talking to a mental health professional is about as beneficial as talking to a friend or your local bartender except that it costs way more.

I remember watching a story of survivors of 9/11 and how they coped by drawing pictures or writing in journals about the trauma they had undergone. The practice helped them to overcome their distress much more quickly and easily than those who did not do the same thing.

I learned a long time ago the value of writing it all out. The problem is that this blog seems to be my number one outlet for venting my emotions and frustrations. I'm not sure this is a good thing anymore. I live a very open life, but I don't put it all here out of respect for certain people including myself. Consequently, I am inhibited and not able to really spill my guts.

I am keeping a journal now. No one will get to read it unless I am dead or the shit gets stolen or taken as evidence for court. I need something that will give me a place to dump all this baggage I carry around. A $1 notebook from Wal-Mart is the best thing for this.

The blog may become less personal as a result of this project. I realize a lot of people enjoy reading about the trainwreck that is my life, and I'll be sure to post the highlights as the shit hits. But the day-to-day bitchiness on my part is being put somewhere else. I doubt it will be missed.

Can Women Be Happy?

You can file this post under "sexism."

Aristotle said that women were without virtue. Because virtue was necessary for happiness, women could never be happy. Virtue is essentially reason, and women are notorious for not possessing reason. Because of this, they are miserable.

To give an example, I was discussing with a friend today about the tendency of women to hold grudges. Women say they forgive, but this isn't true. They merely store the wrath for the rest of their lives as a slow smouldering rage just beneath the surface. I thought this was very sad. But it is very true. A female friend of mine and I were very close until we had an argument. I was completely right on that one, and she knows it. We are friends again, but it is not as warm as before. I doubt it will ever return to what it once was.

I remarked to my friend that women were like disposable razors. After you've built up so much anger in them, you have to throw them away. Women can't forgive, so after you have amassed so many demerits, you are better off to discontinue with them and move on. Things can never be restored between you and them. Contrast this with men who will often have a beer and a laugh after trying to beat the hell out of each other. Some of the best friends I have ever had I made after trying to knock the shit out of them. Men are cool like that. Men can forgive. It is because we have to.

I have had people do a lot of shit to me over the years, but I have let most of that go. Life is too short to carry a grudge forever. But for women, life isn't long enough to burn out the collected rage. This alone makes women miserable. Because of this, they cannot love or have true friendships. They lack magnanimity. At heart, women are pusillanimous. They are bitter and hateful.

I know. GROSS OVERGENERALIZATION. But I have to say that I have never met a happy woman. I suspect Rachael Ray may be the exception to that, but I have yet to meet her. For the most part, women agree with me on these things. Women especially hate each other, and this can only come from their essentially miserable natures.

My friend also pointed out that a man can be happy without a woman, but a woman cannot be happy without a man. I suppose this would explain the paths of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Britney has really gone to shit while K-Fed seems to be doing just fine.

Now, at this point, I am certain some folks wish to take issue with me on these points. Women will say that they are happy, but I would differ with them on the definition of happiness. For women and shitheads, happiness is a feeling. But the problem with this viewpoint is that logically, the crackhead is the happiest of them all at least while high. For women, it would be being in love or some such silly nonsense as that. But objectively, we cannot claim that these people are happy. They are deluded but not happy.

Happiness is not a feeling. It can be accompanied by good feelings, but happiness is a state of being. It is performing rationally and optimally. This is why I say that Rachael Ray is the only woman who I think is happy. She works and loves what she does. The woman is a workaholic.

Happiness is excellence. It is hard to define it, but you know it when you see it. It is when a hero triumphs over adversity. It is when a scientist discovers something new. It is when an athlete performs well. It is when a person does the right thing.

Excluding Rachael Ray, I find women are simply too stupid to be happy. They are bubbling cauldrons of emotion. They cry too much. They whine. And you can't tell them anything because their egoes are too fragile to take criticism. These emotions lead them to inescapable Catch-22's. And it is very hard to trust a woman because she justifies everything by her feelings which change from moment to moment. They will tell you one thing and expect another. It is utterly maddening trying to deal with them.

Most men wise up and learn to abandon women. It is the only logical recourse. You cannot reason with them and forcing them to do the right thing only creates worse problems. So, the smart man walks away. He does not waste his time trying to argue with a woman. Left alone, they descend into their madness because it was the man that was holding them together.

I don't mean to imply that all men have their shit together. They don't. But men learn early that life involes trade-offs. You can't have everything you want. The important things in life are accomplished through hard work, and there are few shortcuts.

It is no mistake that the virtues are attributed to masculinity while the vices are seen as womanly. Cowardice, weakness, and deceitfulness are all things considered to belong to women, and when men practice them, we call them womanly. Courage, strength, and honor are considered masculine.

When women practice these virtues, we see them as being noble. It doesn't mean being butch. I think of Sigourney Weaver in the Alien movies. Time and time again, she displays the virtues. I'd follow her to hell and back. But she is a fictional character. I know of no real life counterpart to her.

In general, women are a fucked up bunch. To make matters worse, they project their bullshit onto others. For instance, I can always tell a bipolar female because she insists that I am bipolar. On and on, it goes. Women love religion and psychobabble and astrology and all sorts of quackery. Their gazes are planted firmly in their navels, and they talk about inner journeys and "healing." Christ, it makes me want to puke.

Most women's problems are easily solved:

FAT?
Eat less and exercise more.

BROKE?
Spend less and earn more.

MAN TREATS YOU BADLY?
Leave.

CAN'T FIND A DECENT MAN?
Find out what one is first.

Simple answers. There's nothing complicated about this shit. But women want to complicate things. This is because complicated problems can't be solved, but they can be whined about endlessly. This is what women do. They piss and moan. Take away their problems, and you have taken away the only meaningful thing in their lives.

The reason women whine is because they need a man to solve their problems. Actually, they can solve their own problems if left to suffer, but they have been trained to look to a man to fix things for them. Then, they get angry when he does just that.

Women are hopeless. They are miserable. They are irrational and without virtue. Consequently, happiness eludes them all and always will. I find this to be very sad. But I'm too busy being happy to dwell on it.

Tomorrow

For some strange reason, I feel damn good. I feel alive. I feel free. I feel like a million fucking bucks.

Thai food is yum-o. A quality date.

DVD-Rescue Dawn


Christian Bale plays shot down Navy pilot Dieter Dengler who is captured by the Viet Cong in Laos/Vietnam. Dengler finds himself in a bad situation, but he shows courage and determination in his escape from captivity.

Rescue Dawn touches on big themes. The biggest one is in the prison camp. Dieter disagrees with a fellow prisoner who chooses passivity in dealing with the situation. Dieter will have none of it. Refusing to just sit and rot, Dieter plots and schemes and works to get himself out of the situation he is in.

This movie is a testament to the human spirit and what it means to be a man. It is even more powerful because it is a true story. All I can say is that if you are in some shit it is better to work and/or fight than lay down and die.

I was very glad to have watched this movie. I think you will be glad you watched it, too.

Negative and Positive

I received this email not long ago on MySpace:

What is up with all the negativity? I got your friend request read your page. You totally changed my mood. Not for the better or worse, but it kindof saddened me. I don't even know why I am writing this but I felt compelled. I hate to see people go through life with such a negative attitude. If you have a negative outlook on life that is what you will get. If you wish to continue this conversation let me know.

Cheer Up Tomorrow is a New Day!


I felt bad because I don't want to be a negative person. I don't think everything is doom and gloom. But I am a realist. I believe that we must face what is real, and this is not always pleasant. On the other hand, there are many things that I do find pleasant. My worldview is not entirely negative but has many positive features. I just don't think I emphasize them enough.

Here are the things I am negative about and the things I am positive about:

THE NEGATIVE

1. RELIGION AND OTHER NONSENSE

Religion is stupid. This is because there is no evidence for God, your soul, demons, angels, or what have you. None of these things have been proven or are provable. They are the figments of overactive imaginations. People who believe in this stuff are idiots. They are under delusion. They are idiots.

It is sad to face the reality that when you die that is it. You are dead. No more. You will be so dead that you won't even know you're dead. And while you are alive, you live in an indifferent universe that doesn't give a fuck about you.

Yes, this is dark stuff, but it is the truth. Just because it is negative doesn't mean it cannot or should not be believed. But I take hope in this reality. I will not suffer in hell for eternity. I don't have to feel guilt for offending some non-existent deity. I can enjoy my sex life as something normal and enjoyable. And I have already been dead. It didn't disturb me then because I didn't exist. It won't disturb me after I am gone. I have made peace with my death. It no longer frightens me. There are worse fates than death, and those are the things that do frighten me.

2. THE POWER OF THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE POSITIVE CHANGE

Government is, at best, a necessary evil. Time and time again, the government fails to make a positive impact that could not have been achieved better through private means. Government exists to restrain evil. It does very little in promoting the good. From warfare to welfare, government does not make the world a better place but a worse place. The only thing the government does reasonably well is deprive us of liberty. It is ruthlessly efficient at this. When it comes to killing people or locking them up, nothing is better than government. Against people like Ted Bundy or Osama bin Laden, this is a good thing. Against people like you and me, this is a horrible thing. We need less government trimmed back to its essential purpose. The American people need to wake up and stop drinking the Kool-Aid. Fucking idiots.

3. LOVE

Love is bullshit. I've said this countless times before. Women have sworn their love to me only I have found out later that they either wanted to use me for money or cheat on me. I see this shit on a daily basis. I can recount story after story of infidelity and divorce. Overall, it is a dismal thing. I know people who are happily married, but this is because they are good people. Love does not conquer all, but character does. Most of the women I meet and date aren't worth a teetotal fuck. Love is not enough to overcome these problems. Consequently, I remain single like my hero, George Clooney. If a guy like George can't find happiness in love, I doubt I can do better.

4. COLLECTIVISM

I'm not much of a joiner. I tend to not want to be in groups, and I'm not big on shit like the "brotherhood of man." I'm also not big on racism either. I don't care to lose myself in something bigger than myself. I am not a bee in a hive. I am a human being. Groups scare me.

THE POSITIVE

1. SCIENCE, TECHNOLOGY, AND REASON

I am simply amazed at the times we live in. My life is so much better now than it was just ten years ago. Things like the internet have greatly improved my enjoyment of life. Scientists discover new things all the time, and I believe I will witness cures to many diseases that afflict us now. I believe there is truth, and we can know it. And I believe that the best is still ahead of us.

2. SOCIAL FREEDOM

I am also very glad that I live in a relatively free country where I can express myself such as on this blog and be the person that I want to be. I can believe what I want and say what I want and do what I want. These freedoms are in danger at all times from the government which is why I believe we need to exercise them to the fullest extent to maintain them. Use it or lose it.

3. ECONOMIC FREEDOM

I am also a big believer in the free market. Socialism does not work. It is feudalism updated for modern times. Lazy fuckheads love the welfare state because it allows them to loaf. But I tell you that even the lazy prosper more under capitalism than they ever did under communism. It is the free market that gives us a higher standard of living than even royalty enjoyed 100 years ago. Our poor live better lives than Queen Victoria ever did. Unfortunately, people are obsessed with their place in the social order than they are with the actual conditions of their lives. I'd rather be poor today than rich back in 1920. The free market works. Think about this the next time you turn on your cellphone or pop a meal in the microwave.

4. SEX

You can't always find love, but you can always get laid. I am a fat bald guy with a small pecker and an asshole personality. I get laid all the time. With the advent of viagra, I know I will be getting it for a long time to come. I would rather have that sex in the context of a loving and monogamous relationship, but I know I can have one without the other. I don't even have to pay for it. One chick even told me to forget about dinner because she came to fuck. I'm not sure this is exactly positive, but it is nice to know it is available.

5. WORK

I believe the answer to most of our personal problems or desire for achievement lies in hard work. Work is fun. I enjoy doing it. I lose myself in my projects all the time. I love making things and doing things and accomplishing things. It is where happiness lies. My favorite day of the week is Monday, and my least favorite day is Friday. I never have a problem finding something to do so much as picking what to do next. I get so high from whatever it is I set myself to do.

6. INDIVIDUALISM

I believe in being true to yourself. I believe in expressing yourself. I believe in being unique. It is individuals that make the world an interesting and better place. I celebrate the individual, and I will always defend them even if I don't always agree with them. It takes courage to stand out in the world, but I believe we owe our very lives to those who had the balls to be who they were. I believe one person can make a difference because history is replete with those individuals. They are called heroes, and I aspire to be one. I am my own hero.

There you have it, folks. I don't know if you think I am negative or positive now, but I can say that I am genuine and real. I refuse to not question things because it might lead to something unpleasant like the truth. I believe you are better off knowing than not knowing. There is bliss in ignorance, but ignorance does not last forever. True happiness comes from fidelity to reality. That is positive and real.

Truth and Tact

I have become acutely aware that I disturb some people. I'm not sure why, and I have been prone to blame myself for this. But blaming myself for this would be like David Bowie blaming himself for my dad not liking his music.

There are some people out there who like me a lot. They are almost rabid in their devotion to me. At the same time, there are people out there who utterly hate my guts and would like to see me come to a bad end. Sometimes, these people are one and the same but caught at different times.

I cannot explain popularity anymore than to say that there is no accounting for taste. I can also say that it is impossible to have everyone like you. It can't be done. What can be done is to stop worrying about it. It matters more to be consistent than to be nice.

One of the things that people like about me is that I am honest. This honesty is also what makes people hate me as well especially ex-girlfriends. I have a habit of telling the truth, but most people cannot handle the truth. This description would definitely fit my ex-girlfriend who derided fundamentalists as shitheads but believed in just about every New Age thing that came along without question. She believed in being open minded but only when it came to others accepting her. She did not return the favor and was very intolerant of anything that questioned her worldview or her habits.

I have tried to be diplomatic, but diplomacy fails. The error is with them and not me. People rapidly get used to being able to tell me anything they like because I try and consider all viewpoints. The reason I do this is because I spent many years under a delusion that I called the "truth" only to discover later how misguided I was. It is also one of the reasons I like posting on the internet because it exposes me to other points of view and makes me consider them.

I have considered the Charlie is an Asshole Thesis, but it simply does not stand. I can call people bitches, sluts, cocksuckers or what have you all day and no one really gives a fuck except a few religious fuckheads. But the moment I say something true such as "I think you might have a drinking problem," I become an insufferable asshole. So be it.

What makes people fucked up in the head is not so much their refusal to accept truth and reality so much as the belief that they already have it. I know I don't have it. My worldview is a permanent work in progress. I can make strong arguments for my positions, but I am also reconsidering them in my own mind at the same time. I don't take it for granted anymore that what I believe is correct.

I am also appreciated after the fact. I can't count how many times people have come up to me to apologize later. I am vindicated time and time again. My enemies are the ones who come to ruin while I continue onward. This leads me to the big choice I face in my life.

Should I be truthful or tactful? Should I tell people what they want to hear or what they need to hear? Clearly, it is the latter. Being a flatterer nasueates me. Being a friend appeals to me.

I'm not going to spend the rest of my days worrying about people liking me. I have had too many people tell me they admire me for taking the stands I do and have told me to not worry about people who can't handle honesty. In the end, you can't please everybody.

On a sidenote, I have also come to realize that the fundamental reason for my recent breakup is because I was involved with a woman who refused to listen. I want to blame myself because I can fix myself. But I wasn't the problem. The truth is I never am. The women I date can't handle the truth. The moment I cut too deep is the moment they are out of there. This is why many women prefer flattering men who lie to them. And they suffer the consequences for this. It is the triumph of tact over truth.

I can't be the flatterer. If I see a naked emperor, I will call him or her out. On the flipside, I accumulate honest friends. I just wish I could find an honest girlfriend. The last one was like all the rest--a self-deluded liar.

Good Rich vs. Bad Rich

People envy rich people. This never made sense to me. I always envy people who seem to be happy, and their happiness usually involves being poor. For instance, I envy surf bums. I would love to drive around in an old VW beetle with a rack on the top and spend my days doing what they do. But I like other things these people do without. So, I keep my job and keep working.

I want to be rich. I'm not terribly interested in being a billionaire but being a millionaire would be nice. The nice thing about money is that it brings a certain feeling of security. You worry less about being fired and focus more on doing the best job you can. You don't spend time managing cash flow to make sure you don't run out of month before you run out of money. Money brings freedom which is the most important thing you can have in the pursuit of happiness.

There are two kinds of rich, and I call one "good rich" and the other "bad rich."

Good rich involves living with a limit in mind. There is only so much you need or should even want in life. For instance, we think it proper to have one wife. We think it indulgent to have three wives. The same thing can be applied to houses, cars, planes, boats, etc.

I will never begrudge a rich man owning a Mercedes. I do think it is stupid to own a fleet of these cars. This is bad rich. The difference between good rich and bad rich is the difference between quality and quantity. For instance, a good rich person will buy a nice house in a nice neighborhood. That house will be well maintained and look elegant and beautiful. A bad rich person would buy that same house, tear it down, and build the gaudiest McMansion he could put on the lot incorporating every architecture style from ancient Greece to the Renaissance to modernism.

Bad rich people are also big on conspicuous consumption. For instance, I know a millionaire who owns a large boat and employs a captain on this boat. But this guy doesn't even go out on the boat because it makes him seasick. How dumb is that? He just owns the boat to impress people. I just find this incredibly stupid.

From rappers to movie stars to lottery winners to a whole slew of other folks, you have people who simply elevate their consumption to match their income. There really is no limit to what they want to buy. They just keep finding the means to buy it until they end up in bankruptcy like MC Hammer.

Don't get me wrong. I like nice things. I like good food, and I want to drive a good car and live in a comfortable home. But that is about it. The reality is that I don't have the time to enjoy all the good things I have now. My life runs over with abundance. Why would I want to buy more?

I think what separates me from other people on this issue is I don't bring a social dimension to bear on the matter of money. I don't give a fuck what other people think about me. Bad rich people seem consumed with other people's appraisal of them while good rich people focus on themselves. It is the difference between selfishness and narcissism. I am selfish, but I am not vain. I want good things, but I want them for ME. I don't want them for the sake of other people.

I keep a wish list of things, and if I won the lottery or something, I would buy those things on the list. But that would be the end of my list. I don't know if my desires would change as a consequence of the money, but I believe they would not. The reason I say that is because I can afford to live a higher lifestyle than I do now, but I choose not to. Having money does more for me than spending it.

Now, don't misunderstand me on this. I'm not into modesty. I think a millionaire who chooses to live in a trailer park is a fool. To have money and not enjoy it is just as stupid as having money and blowing it on shit you do not need. You can see that good rich occupies that position that I have referred to as the "mean."

I believe in enjoying the fruits of your labor without guilt or vanity. As you can see, both the extremes are concerned with what others think of them. To be good rich is to enjoy an elegant but simple lifestyle. It is to have taste and restraint. This is very difficult for some people to master or even grasp. Not for me. I get it.
I have an acute case of fridayitis.

Psychobabble

I had an ex-girlfriend who said I had "issues." I was a psycho or something. Pure nuts. She wanted me to be on meds which I likened to chemical castration. I dumped that bitch. She would later steal my car and wreck the shit out of it. I hope she is in jail or dead from an overdose now.

I had another ex-girlfriend who also said I had "issues." She dumped me and then tried to kill herself with an overdose of pills.

My mother swore I was nuts. She wanted to have me committed. She also wanted my dad to be committed. She later took an overdose of pills and spent some time in the nuthouse.

I have recently broken up with another woman. Yep, you guessed it. I have "issues." It boggles the mind. I am "sick" and a "manipulator." I am some kind of fucked up psycho. It is hard for me to grasp this.

I admit to being offbeat and wearing my heart on my sleeve at times. But I'm not fucked up in my head. I generally do very well. It is when I get involed with some woman that I start to feel a bit less than well. Then, we break up, and my life gets better again.

My wise friend tells me that a man does not need a woman to be happy, but a woman needs a man to be happy. I agree. I think this has something to do with rationality. Women can't keep their shit together, so they need a man to help them keep it together.

I'm not a big fan of the mental health profession. I think it is largely a bunch of quacks. Unfortunately, their bullshit has seeped into the culture, and women eat it in large spoonfuls along with New Age spirituality and whatever else Oprah Winfrey is peddling.

I'm not fucked up. The sad thing is that if you listen to these stupid women long enough, you will believe you are fucked up. I'm someone who questions himself, but I can confidently say that I have my shit together. I'm pissed off about some things, and I have trust issues when it comes to women. But I am not schizoid or "bipolar."

This is how you know a woman is nuts. Tell her a truth she can't accept, and she will have a full core meltdown. That is my definition of madness. It is an unwillingness to face reality.

Dinner with a charming and educated 26 year old. Very lovely.

The Choice Between Good and Evil

I am struggling today. Choosing the path of magnanimity has its own pitfalls I have found. The simple fact is that no matter what you do somebody is going to get pissed off about it. They are going to say bad things about you and try to guilt trip you and all the rest. There's not much you can do about it.

I do not believe in altruism. I will not sacrifice for the sake of someone else's agenda or what have you. I have done this in the past, and it has only resulted in misery for myself. OTOH, I am not a narcissist expecting others to sacrifice for me.

I get angry over this and end up embracing the scoundrel label. I honestly don't give a fuck what people think of me. They will think what they will which is why I can be so candid on this blog.

I refuse to go around hurting people, but I find it impossible not to be an asshole to be people. They always try to use guilt or altruistic mirality to make me do things I am under no obligation to do. Now, my wise friend is in the same pickle I have found myself in so many times.

I am at a crossroads in my thinking. I hate to call it a choice between good and evil when it isn't. It is really the choice between being a saint or a scoundrel.

I am not a saint. I don't want that role. I don't want to be a martyr or a victim. I think the people who know me would agree that I am a good guy but with a low tolerance for bullshit. I will refrain from revenge, but I think I would be a fool to turn the other cheek again as I did this past weekend.

All of this is a question of prudence. What should I do?

I know I will never reconcile with my mother. I already regret reconciling with my father. I wish I had never listened to Greta on that.

I have so much stuff to settle in my mind. The problem with the choice between good and evil is knowing what is good and evil. I honestly don't know anymore. Some things are clear--don't steal or murder. Other things are murky. Should I forgive? Should I be nice to people who are utter fools? Hard hard stuff for me today.
The burden of being a good guy is getting to be too much for me. At heart, I am a selfish bastard.
Dinner with atheist scumbags. Lovely.

The Road Ahead

I am done with relationships. They simply aren't worth the bullshit. Basically, I require three things from a woman:

-She be faithful and not be a cheating whore.

-She be drug free and alcohol free.

-She lives within her means.

The reason I require these things is because they are essential to a relationship. Forget about compatibility and all that psychobabble horseshit. If you have problems in these three areas, IT WILL NOT WORK. You have to look no further than the divorce courts to see this.

This last relationship has made me add the last item. If you can't have a frank and honest discussion with your partner about money, he or she needs to go. Money is the number one cause of divorce.

I am 37, and the only women I know who are good on my Big Three are already happily married. The rest of the women out there are usually drug addled cheating whores looking for a man to pay their bills while they screw the mailman while hubby is at work.

I just don't need this shit anymore, and it is pointless to look for a good woman. They are few and far between. You are better off being single than wasting your time digging through the garbage.

I am going to accept the fact that I am never going to establish any kind of homelife for myself. It is sad, but I need to man up and embrace it.

I've decided to throw myself 100% into my work and projects. I'm just going to try and make a bunch of money and get shit done. It is the only thing that makes me happy. I am also going to continue with my running that I have been doing. I'm going to become a total fanatic on that.

I'm sick of feeling like shit. I'm tired of the emotions and the drama. So, I'm just going to live for me. Women are a false happiness. They are misery on two legs.
Women are misery.
I am through with relationships. They are not worth the inevitable misery that comes later. Better to be happy alone.
Sexy Lexie says I am rebounding. I agree. I need to get over this shit.

I Am All I Have

I'm feeling some anguish now over something I cannot write about here. I have a story, but I keep it to myself. I do this because I don't want to be mean to someone.

I hurt inside because I cared deeply for someone who I believe now never gave a damn for me. It is tough to face that. You think someone loves you, but they don't.

I am alone. I live alone. I write alone. I am all I have.

I don't really know what to do anymore. I don't even know what to think of that person. I want to believe that she loved me.

It is tough feeling this way. It is hard. You want to move on and maybe find someone else. But I think they are all like her. Their love is counterfeit. It is ephemeral and will not last. They only use you. In the end, I am all I have.

I have met true friends in my life. I have never been with a true woman.

I don't know what to say. I will tell her story eventually. I don't tell it because I want to think it hasn't ended yet. I want to believe that she will redeem herself. I want to believe that she will see and understand why I did what I did. I want to forgive her. I want her to forgive me.

She probably will never speak to me again. Her anger and shame are probably too great to overcome. I will be alone.

I am all I have.

SORRY

Nice Guys Don't Finish Last

This is more on the magnanimity subject. People say that nice guys finish last, but this is not really true. Weak guys finish last, and mean guys finish last. Not nice guys.

To use Aristotle's framework of the mean, being weak is being deficient in strength. In other words, don't be a doormat. Don't let other people use you and walk all over you.

In terms of excess, being mean or pusillanimous is the excess. It is going out of bounds and returning bad thing for bad thing. It is sinking to their level.

Magnanimity is the mean. Be nice, but don't be stupid. Recently, I had a chance to put this into practice, and I am very pleased with the results. It is a better way for me, and I am on my way to turning it into a habit. I realize that nice guys don't finish last.

I am sad about other things which I will refrain from sharing here because to do so would be pretty mean. I am sad about the outcome, but I am very happy about doing the right thing. I can live without regret, and that is an awesome thing for me. With magnanimity comes pride. I don't hate myself anymore. Overall, this has to rank as one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Magnanimity

Aristotle coined the term "magnanimity." It is a combination of the word "magnus" which means "great" with the word "anima" which means "soul." To be magnanimous is to be great souled.

Aristotle also coined the term "pusillanimity" which means "mean spirited." Reflecting on this, I realized that I was pusillanimous. I have a mean spirit.

I am mean to people who deserve it. The only problem is that it seems that everybody deserves it, and I am becoming more and more like the people I despise. I have sunk to their level. I have done damage to myself because I feel that being magnanimous is weakness. It isn't. Being mean is being weak.

To highlight the difference between pusillanimity and magnanimity, consider the choice that Anakin Skywalker made in Revenge of the Sith concerning Count Dooku. Dooku had whipped his ass and taken his arm in Attack of the Clones. Now, the tables turned, Anakin has Dooku beaten and finishes him off out of pure meanness. This act pushes him further down the slope to the Dark Side.

Fast forward to Return of the Jedi, when Luke faces a similar choice with Vader. What does Luke do? He is magnanimous. He spares Vader and foils the Emperor's attempt to turn him to the Dark Side. Vader redeems himself by a similar magnanimous action and kills the Emperor.



Now, this is ancient philosophy and sci fi movies. Who cares? But consider the US treatment of terror suspects or the prisoners at Gitmo. The US has abandoned the Geneva Conventions to do this. Those conventions exist because of the belief in magnanimity. Even Irwin Rommel, a German Field Marshal during World War II, recognized and practiced magnanimity and is accorded honor despite being on the wrong side of history. He treated prisoners of war with dignity and humanity.

Noah Webster defined magnanimity this way:

MAGNANIM'ITY, n. [L. magnanimitas; magnus, great, and animus, mind.] Greatness of mind; that elevation or dignity of soul, which encounters danger and trouble with tranquillity and firmness, which raises the possessor above revenge, and makes him delight in acts of benevolence, which makes him disdain injustice and meanness, and prompts him to sacrifice personal ease, interest and safety for the accomplishment of useful and noble objects.

We treat others well not for their sake but for our sake. We are to refrain from mistreating bad people even though they probably deserve it. Why? Because it is out of character for a good person to engage in cruel acts even to those who engage in them themselves. This is what makes us better than people like Osama bin Laden. This has been lost.

The end cannot justify the means. From this day forward, I will be compassionate even to those who have no compassion. I will be honorable even to those without honor. I will never justify bad actions because I am being "truthful" or "right."

This has been a long time coming for me. I have a lifetime of hurt and anger to flush down the toilet. People always tell me I am "negative," and I never really understood what that meant. Now, I do. I am pusillanimous. I am MEAN.

I have hurt my former girlfriend on this blog along with the one before her. Whatever my issues, I was a bastard for treating them the way I did. Women have done me wrong countless times, but I am above all of that. And even Greta hasn't done me wrong. I simply got mad at her and let her have it. That was a dumb move and one I sorely regret now.

As with all habits, this will take time to develop. I am trying to refrain from profanity because I see it as pusillanimity. I am trying to quit running people down all the time or making fun of people. And I am trying to resolve my customer complaints with a certain degree of tact. Last night, the sushi chef saw me not being served and enduring it with as much dignity as I could muster. He fixed that server for me, and I tipped her generously though she had not earned it.

I must also give credit to my partner Travis who I work with everyday. He is a magnanimous fellow especially compared to me. He has shown me that you don't have to be either a doormat for others or a jerk. Deal with bad people but don't sink to their level.

As for my blog, it is one pusillanimous tirade after another. But I leave it all here--the good, the bad, and the ugly. Today, you have seen the good. I'm hoping it will stay that way.

I close with Aristole:

We live in deeds, not years: In thoughts not breaths; In feelings, not in figures on a dial. We should count time by heart throbs. He most lives who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.
Strength and meanness are not the same thing.
That stupid thing I did earlier today is turning out to be the smartest thing I have ever done.
I did something stupid today, and I am certain I will regret it later. I took the road less traveled. Dumb.

V-Day

Today was a horrible day for me. I hurt so much inside. I hate this day.

Absolute Misery

I just got back from eating dinner with my friend Travis and his family. I don't really envy anyone in this world including Hugh Hefner. But I do envy Travis. He has a family. He is the most stable guy I know, and one of the nicest people you will ever meet. Travis is a nice guy, but he does not finish last.

I am falling apart inside. I feel like the loneliest guy on the planet at this moment. I don't have anybody. It sucks.

I don't bother eating dinner anymore. I ate dinner with Travis, and it is the first time I have eaten that meal in almost two weeks. I've just been going to bed on an empty stomach. I have no interest in eating alone. I eat this pain instead.

I am such an asshole. I am a complete prick.

NO MORE

I am an angry person, but I am not doing this to Greta anymore. All of this began with anger. I can't even tell you who got mad first. It has spiralled to this point.

She can be mad with me, but I'm not playing this game anymore. It is stupid and childish. I've accomplished nothing but to lose two people I love very much.

I can't live this way anymore. I live in perpetual anger. It is so damn stupid. It poisons all I do. I even get angry over shit people might do to me. It has to stop.

Anger has cost me more than my enemies ever did. I don't need this anymore.

What Now?

I have to wonder what to do now in terms of my dating life. Being a bachelor has certain advantages but being alone isn't one of them.

I don't know why things just don't work out for me except as I pointed out in a previous post, I have a tendency to lay some heavy truth on chicks, and they can't take it. My situation with Greta is a classic example. Before her, it was a suicidally depressed chick. Before her, an alcoholic. And so it goes. . .

People tell me I should find a decent girl. Greta was a decent girl, but she will drive any man into financial straits in time. So, what's a guy to do? Are women just by and large fucked up? Or is it just the ones that end up with me?

Jumping out and dating someone new doesn't really appeal to me right now. I am pretty much disgusted by the whole relationship thing. I said Greta would be my last, and she probably will. I am kidding myself on this shit.

I am tired of girlfriends. I am tired of their shit. I am tired of getting dumped. I am tired of having to dump them when they can't get their shit together. And I am tired of them not wanting a damn thing to do with me but still wanting my money. Blows my fucking mind.

I am so fucking tired of this endless bullshit. Why can't I find someone I can get along with? Why do these chicks have to be so stupid and stubborn?

I don't know what to do now. I know I will fuck. That is a given. Beyond that, I think I'll pass. I always felt that my problem was not being able to find the right woman when my problem is really that I can't embrace this bachelor lifestyle and learn to like it.

There are always other women. The most rational thing to do is fuck them and forget them. They aren't worth the misery of a relationship. They certainly aren't worth the inevitable pain and grief that comes later. My problems with women usually begin the moment I try to appreciate them as human beings. What a joke.

I don't know what now. I just don't know.
There is no quick or easy way to get over loving somebody.
The best way to get over an old girlfriend is to get a new girlfriend.

Why I Dumped Greta

A week ago today, I dumped my girlfriend Greta. It was a shitty thing to do. I immediately regretted it, and I tried to take it back. But my shit was packed and ready for removal.

I was supposed to move in with Greta, but she pissed me off that Saturday about a money issue unrelated to her. So, I figured that was a good time to talk about finances especially since I was going to be living with her. She wasn't having it.

The bottom line is that Greta is a spendthrift and a mooch. I have tried to talk to her about her problem, but she refuses to listen to me. I think the real story is that she realizes I'm not going to put up with it, so I'm history to her. Looking back, I suspect money was the overriding concern in the relationship. I honestly don't think she ever loved me.

I'm not rich. I'm just responsible. Greta openly told me she wanted to "marry well" which meant find a rich guy to date and wed. None were interested, so I got to fill the spot in the meantime. Lucky me.

Airing this shit out in a public forum is a lowdown dirty thing to do. But I know women like to talk shit about a guy when it is all said and done, so I just want people to hear my side. I think her friends will believe me because I bet many of them have lent her money to support her spending ways.

She has told me she doesn't want to see me ever again, but she still wants me to pay for her accomodations at the Myrtle Beach Marathon. In other words, I owe her one last mooch on me.

I have begged and pleaded with her to take me back but on the condition that she talk to me about her financial problems. She isn't having it. She would rather have her problem than have me.

I am a total jerk. I confess to this. I am a complete asshole. But I really do love that chick. I just want her to have a better life. She didn't want a better life. She wanted me to pay her bills for her while she spent her money anyway she pleases. I was going to pay her bills for her with the stipulation that she pay off her debts. I was told that it was none of my business what she did with her money. So be it.

Ultimately, I didn't dump Greta because she is bad with money. I dumped her because she wouldn't talk to me about an important issue that we had to agree on.

I have consulted with my people on this, and everyone of them tells me I did the right thing on this though I was a dickhead about it. In addition, they say I would be a fool to pay for her marathon.

I am at the angry stage now. I am mad at her. Very mad. Posting this is not very constructive, but I am sick of being made the bad guy everytime things turn sour. I don't know if she loved me or just wanted to use me. I believe it is the latter at this point.

Grets is great on every other count and is a great person. She just has a problem, and she refuses to fix it. She is done with me, so I have nothing to lose at this point. She already hates me.

Feel free to share comments. If you think I'm a jerk, tell me that, too. I am willing to listen. I just wish Greta was.
When a woman tells you she does not want to see you anymore, you should take her at her word and disappear.
The only way to make running a habit is to accept that it hurts.
The secret to happiness can be summed up in one word--PROJECTS.

I Am Not a Nice Guy

I get this all the time. "You really are a nice guy." No, I am not.

I am not a nice guy. I have never been a nice guy. A nice guy is someone who is pleasant to be around. That isn't me. A nice guy is someone who will lend you twenty bucks. That isn't me.

I am selfish. That is the bottom line. I do what I think is best for me. This doesn't mean walking all over other people. It also means not letting them walk all over me.

I have done some nice things for people, and I have regretted it every single time. So, I am inclined not to do those things. That is because those people always turn around and shit on me. So, I don't do nice things anymore.

People only care about you to the extent that you do things for them. The moment that ends is the moment you end. If there are people in your life that were with you in the downtimes, hang on to them. They are the ones who give a shit about you. Everyone else is a parasite.

Don't be nice to people. True friends are the ones who like you for you.

The Fear of Commitment

Am I afraid of commitment? Yes, I am. I'll tell you why.

I think of all my past girlfriends and where I would be now if I had taken the plunge with them. I know I'd probably be in jail right now with one most definitely. I'd be a cuckold with another. I'd be in a sexless loveless marriage with another. I'd be at a funeral with still another. And with this last one, I'd be penniless and broke the rest of my life.

Yes, I am afraid of commitment. You can love someone and know they are bad for you. You hope your influence will change them, but they usually bring you down to their level.

I'm not afraid of problems. Problems are a given. There will be disagreements. You may not always see eye to eye. But I know you have to tolerate things like that. I realize that anyone who stays with me has to put up with a lot of bullshit.

I am also not afraid of kids. I can't count how many times that shit has been thrown in my face. I never had kids, and I feel that emptiness acutely now as I get older.

I am afraid of infidelity and drug addiction and alcohol abuse and suicidal depression and financial ruin. I'm not afraid of the woman. I am afraid of her problems especially those I know I can't tolerate. I've never been married, but I already have plenty of horror stories involving bad women.

There's nothing wrong with me except the residue of bullshit from bad relationships. I am guilty of judging every woman I meet through that dirty lens. It is unfair, and I have done wrong as a consequence of it. I am also quick to exit when a big problem arises.

When I am alone, I tend to get better from a mental point of view, but my habits start to slide. When I am with someone, my habits get better, but I become more and more paranoid as I love them more and more. This is because my heart is taking over from my rational mind, and my mind rebels. That is because this was how it started the last time I got myself into a mess with some woman. My feelings overcome my logic.

I would love to be married, have a house, children, a cat and a dog, and everything. I want this. I have no fear of committing to this. And this vision is not one of pure idyllic bliss. I imagine a wife who nags the shit out of me because I have been slacking on something or been stupid about something. Hell, I want this. I have a high tolerance for getting bitched out. I gravitate towards woman who have the strength to put me in my place. I admire them, and they excite me.

But I walk away from the things that conflict with this vision and this dream. I want this to be my life. At 37, I don't think I will ever have it. I don't have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of compromise. I'm not throwing away my life on a whore, a drunk, a druggie, a psycho, or a spendthrift. I find that most women don't want the same things I do. They want the freedom that my support brings to do the things they do. The reality is that I will support the positive things. I won't support the negative things.

I'm a good man. I don't like to say this, but I am. The reason I don't like to say this is because I know nice guys finish last. So, I have gotten meaner. I put up with less and less these days. I am finding out that the only one who looks out for my interests is me.

I hate being a bachelor. It would be fun if I liked partying and keeping with whores. But I don't. I've tried to like it, but I am not temperamentally suited for it. I am a husband and a father who never got what he wanted. I have to figure out where I went wrong on this.

Saturday Morning Misery

I really really really miss my girlfriend right now. She will be starting her taper this week for the Myrtle Beach Marathon. Probably do one last long run today.

I doubt she will ever forgive me for what I have done, but I have to do what I have done. I kept my mouth shut for too long on this. OTOH, someone has to love you before they ever listen to you. I had to build the relationship first.

I love that woman. I love her so much I can't even breathe. I have been in pain and misery for a week.

My Grets is a spender. She reminds me of my alcoholic ex-girlfriend who eventually stole my car. She is sutbborn, and you can't talk to her at all. She says I am being mean, but I am actually being nice. She simply doesn't get it.

I don't value money more than my girlfriend. I love her more than all the money in the world. I want to give her a better life, and that would be very easy to accomplish for me. But she doesn't listen. She won't listen.

I am a winner on this because I have either done what was best for me by cutting her loose before destroying me, or I will get her back with some clarity and change on this issue.

Grets has a problem, and she doesn't see it. She has a good job making more than me. But she can't pay her bills even with the financial assistance of a lot of friends and family including myself. She blows her money on bullshit. Maybe I am being unfair on this, but I don't think so. I don't say what I really want to say because I don't want to hurt her feelings any further.

I really love this woman. She hates me so much now, and she thinks she is right. She doesn't have a problem, and I want to believe that. I really want to believe that. I am desperate to be back with her. This tough love approach hurts bad. But I am already committed to this. To stop now would be to let all my suffering on this be for nothing.

I want to spend the rest of my life with Grets. I want to buy her a house and go travel the world with her. I want her daughter to be able to get an education without having to go into debt for it. I want my Grets to be able to live free of stress and worry over finances. I want her to be happy.

I have been an enabler. I knew from the moment I met her that she was a spender. I wanted to end it with her right then and save myself this present pain. But I was already falling for her even then.

Everyone has their bad habits including me. Some are tolerable such as nailbiting or being a pack rat. Others are not. For me, these would be being a drunk or a drug addict or in the case of Grets, a spender.

She won't listen to me. She is very smart and has her shit together in every other way. She doesn't need to be "fixed." She just needs a little money to get by right now.

I'm not a skinflint. I've already paid for a lot of stuff for her and her daughter. I 'd spend even more on the daughter, but I have a rule to never outspend a parent on that parent's kid. I know I would feel bad if someone bought something for my kid that I could not get them. Kids never see all that their parents do for them, but they do see the shiny doodads. I can buy a lot of shiny doodads because I have it to blow. This is because I don't have kids to feed. It's not my place to do things like that.

I am terribly upset right now. This has been a truly awful week for me. I have been plagued with self-doubt over this. Am I doing the right thing? I have consulted with all my friends and family and tried to present the most objective picture that I can, and they all tell me I am doing the right thing. They all agree I could have been a little nicer about it, and I probably could have. But in the end, my girlfriend would rather keep her problem than keep me. It hurts to admit that, but there it is.

Greta is the daughter of a rich man who bought her everything, and she has spent her adult life wanting the same thing in a boyfriend or husband. She's not a gold digger. She just can't manage her finances, and she wants a man to fix the problems for her. I am that man. She just doesn't like the solution that I have for her problems. My good habits on this will never be enough to overcome the bad habits on her side. I would be nothing more than host to a parasite. Not a healthy relationship.

All of this began because I could not have a rational discussion with her about money. I was fixing to move in with her, and this is a conversation that every couple needs to have before that big step. She wasn't having it. So, here we are.

I have to hope that she comes to her senses. I had some issues and probably still have them. But I am willing to work on them with transparency and honesty. Grets isn't. She has changed a lot in her life, and I am very proud of her. She is my hero on so many things. She doesn't hesitate to put her foot up my ass when I need it. I don't worry about whether that was a nice foot up the ass or a mean foot up the ass.

I am the bad guy. I am the villain because I point out the biggest problem in her life. This problem is so big that it affects the lives of all those around her and threatens her own goals and dreams for the future. I suspect this is not the first time this problem has come up for her.

I don't know if Greta ever really loved me. I just don't know. Better to find out now than find out later. In the meantime, I must count her as gone and move on to the next thing. I did the right thing. I know this.

Spenders and Savers

When it comes to money, there are two types of people. You have spenders, and you have savers.

A spender is someone who spends beyond his or her means. Spenders come in all shapes and sizes and occupy every bracket of income. They are careless with their money and are always in desperation over it. They waste it on things they want or think they need but neglect their true needs like housing or clothing or medical care.

Spenders go into debt to make their lifestyles work. This can be credit card debt or it could be mooching off of friends and family or what have you. They spend all of what they earn and will spend what you earn as well. Naturally, this is all defended with the good intentions of repaying at some later time.

The spender is much like an alcoholic. They are in denial. They even have enablers that help them get by and avoid the consequences of their choices. And they always have the same excuse for their money shortage. They never make enough. When they do make more, they increase their spending more with no real improvement. And the answer is to make MORE MORE MORE.

The things spenders buy vary. Some people go for big ticket items, but I know spenders who live relatively modest lifestyles in terms of housing, clothing, and cars but who waste it on expensive food, vacations, or, in the case of my crazy mother, horses and mules. Ultimately, they have nothing to show for their labor and are mystified as to where it all goes. Put a spender in the presence of a saver, and the spender is amazed at all the stuff the saver has.

A saver is someone who habitually spends less than he or she earns. They end up amassing wealth out of habit. They invest. They pay their bills on time. Their friends like them because they never ask for money. And they live lives of reduced stress. They don't worry about shit because I know that 90% of worry is financial.

I am a saver. I've always had a tendency to be like this, but I learned about money one day when I bounced a check. I was mortified by the experience. I never wanted that to happen to me again, and it never did. I'd like to say I am rich, but I am not. I just spend less than what I earn and have peace of mind.

My biggest weakness on money is other people. I won't spend a damn thing on myself, but I pour it on thick on the ones I love. I shouldn't do this. I give too much and get little in return. My dad is the same way. Soft hearts lead to soft wallets.

I don't believe in going to extremes on money. There are bag ladies who have died with thousands of dollars stuffed in sacks. I believe in thrift but only in the quantitative sense. I want to have good things in my life, and I find I can have more if I spend wisely. Spenders have less even though they spend more.

When it comes to love, money is the number one cause of divorce. This is because it can't work if there is no money. Love is beautiful, but it doesn't pay the bills.

Two spenders cannot be together. A spender and a saver can't be together either because the strain becomes unbearable. Only two savers can make it happen.

A spender can become a saver. The most famous would be Dave Ramsey who went from bankruptcy to being a top financial counselor to the nation through radio, television appearances, and print. He is a born again Christian, but I think his advice is sound.

Becoming a saver is almost like a conversion. One day, you are one way. The next day you change your mind and do something about it. But spenders can resist this for a long time. They can be as difficult as drug addicts or alcoholics. You're not going to change them. The best you can do is love them and not give them money. They will hate you for this, but it is the only way. Parents must do this with their grown children. Sometimes, friendships end. And in my case, you lose a girlfriend who is stellar in every other aspect of her life.

Spenders have to hit rock bottom. They have to suffer a lot before they realize it makes sense to live within their means. Sometimes, they have to go to a financial counselor for help. Or they can do like I do and read books and personal finance blogs.

Money is an emotional thing which is what fundamentally separates spenders and savers. A saver wants the security that comes from not living paycheck-to-paycheck and wants to avoid the embarrassment of bounced checks, turned off utilities, and begging other people for money. The spender wants to enjoy the good life they have grown accustomed to, and money is an annoyance. They love the thrill of spending a buck on something they love and despise spending it on what they need. Things like budgets are a hassle and a waste of time. Enjoy now and pay never.

I have a friend of mine who makes about the same as me. He used to be a spender, but his wife changed him into a saver. He says he will never go back. He loves his life now, and he has his wife to thank for it. He owns his own home, has three vehicles, takes vacations wherever he wants to go, and his wife doesn't work. He is very laidback and easygoing. He has money in the bank. I envy that fucker. But I can have the same things, too. I have fewer expenses than he does.

It is nice to make money, and I want to make more of it. But I find it much easier to always live on less than what I make and save it and invest it. I just wish I had a girlfriend who thought the same way as me.

A saver always recovers after a financial hit. A spender always falls even after a financial boon. Lottery winners who take a lump sum payment spend it all in just three years on average. Some of those people even manage to rack up worse debt after hitting the lottery than they had before winning the lottery.

It is easy to change. Just start reading. Read every book you can on personal finance until you realize they are all the same book. Then, follow the advice. I know it doesn't sound exciting, but I love that shit. I get as much thrill from saving as any spender gets from spending. It is fun.

I am a cheapskate motherfucker, and I am not ashamed of it. People can hate me for it, but I don't owe anybody what I have earned. If they want my money, they need to earn it from me just like I did from someone else. And remember, those same people who call you stingy will drop you like a stone the moment they learn you are broke. So, I tell people I am broke even when I am not. It is amazing to learn who your real friends are. I regularly play this game even going so far as to turn off the power in my place and light candles when they come over. They never stay long. Heh heh. . .

The best way to run off a spender is to ask them for money. I did this to the mooch at work. He asked me for twenty bucks once. I responded by asking him for fifty. He never asks me for money, but I still ask him. He tells me I should learn how to budget. I have to shake my head and laugh. Good advice though.
TIP: If you spend all your time reading books and articles on productivity, you wont get anything done.
I have never regretted telling the truth even when it has cost me or accepting the truth even when it hurt.
I learned from Al-Anon that love must be tough. I love someone very much, and she breaks my heart.

ENOUGH

There comes a point in time when you have to say enough is enough. If you find yourself wasting your time on someone, you must practice common sense and stop. You can't change people especially when those people refuse to listen. It is not your job to save people.

I can't take this shit anymore.
I hate sitting in a Starbucks by myself.

Why My Relationships End in Failure

I really miss my girlfriend. I can't even say "ex-."

I continue to hurt inside. I am trying to be alright about all of this, but I'm not. She really hates me.

Why am I unable to make it in a relationship? Why do I only go six months before a total meltdown? I'm just not able to make sense of it.

I could understand if I was a drunk or philanderer or was abusive as hell. But I'm not any of these things. But clearly I am the common denominator in all of these breakups, so it has to be my fault.

Where I did the dumping, the reasons are clear. I ended the relationship in situations where I knew they would not last and only end in my ruin. This would involve shit like alcohol and drug abuse or cheating. I can't tolerate that shit, so I end those types of relationships.

My latest trend is not dumping but getting dumped. My current break up is not something I wanted though I admit to having a big mouth about being better off without her. That was dumb. But if it was up to me, I'd be with her. She doesn't want me and has made that abundantly clear. I have fucked myself beyond redemption in her eyes, so I am now suffering everlasting damnation.

My previous girlfriend dumped me out of nowhere, and I never really figured that one out. But I was livid after that. Never saw it coming and never had the chance to recover. She went on to quit her job, try a suicide attempt, ended up hospitalized, but had her shit together the last time I talked to her.

Maybe the question I should ask is why crazy women like me so much. I admit to being a bit nuts myself. My only virtue is that I will confess to all my vices. I can grow and change. I am definitely not the same person I used to be. If called out on my shit, I will admit my responsibility. I tend to improve while in a relationship. My habits get better as I learn more about myself.

I must face the ultimate reality that I am a complete and utter asshole. I have a big mouth. My honesty is both what attracts these women to me and later repulses them. I speak with candor, and I am relentlessly honest with myself. This undoubtedly gives a thrill to a lot of women, and they have to be with me. Then, they despise me as they learn things about themselves they are unable to face.

I am not a cruel person. I am very compassionate. But sometimes, you have to tell people things they would rather not hear. I want to hear them about myself. They sting a bit, but I'd rather know than not know. The women I date are not wired like this. They would rather not know.

I tell the truth. I don't tell it needlessly. I don't go around telling fat people that they are fat. I'm fat, so I know what that is like. But I do tell my girlfriends when they have a problem with something such as with drinking or depression or what have you. In this most recent breakup, it was money.

I am blunt. That is the bottom line. When I make an inaccurate diagnosis of someone, they laugh and call me an idiot. When I tell them the truth, they react against me and want me gone. Their self-denial is greater than any love they might have for me. It isn't their fault for having the problem. It is my fault for pointing it out. My relationships end in failure because I try to communicate with women who would rather not listen.

I like to think if I kept my mouth shut that would help things. But I am in denial on this point. There are some things that have to be addressed in order for a relationship to continue. I can't overlook these things.

Everybody has a third rail. There are certain subjects that are simply taboo for discussion. I imagine mine would involve my fucked up mother. I just would rather not ever think about her much less discuss her. I really despise that bitch.

I need a girlfriend who can face reality. So far, I've never had one of those. Grets was close, but in the end, reality was more than she could face. Eventually, she will deal with that reality, but I know she will always hate me. My relationships don't end because I say the wrong thing. They end because I say the right thing and with that comes a cost.

I don't think I can be in a relationship ever again. It is pointless for me. I can either shut up and suffer those consequences, or I can speak up and suffer those consequences. I'm going to lose either way. Whoever said it is better to have loved and lost is a fucking moron. It is better not to love.

I am unhappy now. I know I did the right thing, but it still sucks. I want my Grets back.

My Grets is Gone

I have lost my girlfriend. We broke up today. It is my fault.

Grets is the best woman I have ever known. She may have her flaws, but I love her all the same. But I am a shithead who realy doesn't deserve her.

My first offense was to invade her privacy where I found some "incriminating" emails suggesting a lover. It was her cousin. I was a total moron on that one. She forgave me.

My second offense was simply to show my ass one night because I felt she was ignoring me. She forgave me again.

My third offense was to slam her in an email as a spendthrift. I do not think she will forgive that one.

This is my mean. I am a fuckhead with a big mouth. I revert to it time and time again. I am melodrama and conflict. I am difficult to tolerate.

Grets is done with me. I have had my last strike called. I can't laugh about this one. It is my destiny to fail in relationships. I have never had a girlfriend longer than six months in my life.

I hurt inside right now. The agony of it is unbearable. Yet, I could have avoided it all if I could learn to speak with tenderness instead of theatrics. I have my crazy mother's genes in me, and I will almost certainly meet the same fate as her. I will alienate the people who love me until no one is left. I am a very lonely man.

I miss my Grets so much. I am so stupid. I can honestly say I love her more than myself but only because I absolutely despise the person that I am. I hate myself. This pain is so unbearable. I have lost someone I love very much. I doubt I will ever be with someone as special as her ever again.
FUCK THE PATRIOTS. TOM BRADY CAN GO SUCK A DICK.
I think you should always be open to new ideas except those involving gay sex.

Why I Am a Loser

Why am I a loser? I ask myself this question often. Other people ask it as well. How come a smart guy like you isn't rich?

I am a nobody. I am nothing. It isn't because I am stupid or lazy or have substance abuse problems or a gambling addiction. I wasn't born with cerebral palsy or Lou Gehrig's disease. The truth is that there are people with those problems who are very successful.

It doesn't take much to realize that there is a huge disconnect between people's virtues and talents and their income. I can tell you for a fact that I am far easier to work with than Terrell Owens, but he's the one with the million dollar paycheck.

Aside from winning the lottery or being born rich or getting away with a lucrative crime, the reason successful people are successful is because a lot of people were willing to pay money for what they had to offer. In the case of a surgeon, it would be his skills on the operating table. In the case of Paris Hilton, I couldn't tell you. Even if she never inherits a dime from her family, Paris has made her own money despite the fact that she can't act, sing, dance, or hide her big feet, flat ass, flat chest, and scrunched up eyes.

There is no accounting for taste. I can't tell you why the world fell in love with Kurt Cobain who was a high school dropout, a sorry singer, and a sorry guitarist who played junk shop instruments and loved to do heroin. Yet, he was a success while I am still a pathetic loser.

We want to believe that if you work hard and do the right things that success will follow. This is not necessarily the case. I have found that success in the corporate world is based less on merit than on the simple fact that someone above you happened to like you a whole lot. It is not what you know but who you know.

I am a loser because people don't want what I have to offer, and I don't exactly know what it is that they want. When J.K. Rowling was on welfare and writing that first Harry Potter book, she really had no clue it would do what it did. In fact, the rest of the world is as surprised as she is. She was a hopeless loser one day and a stunning success the next. How does that happen? In the meantime, this blog generates less than 50 hits per week.

I am a decent writer, and people ask me why I don't do more with more stuff. Well, you're reading this shit. You tell me. People that read this blog say I must be a complete loser because I have so much time to spend on this project which is going nowhere. So, am I failure because I don't write or because I write too much? Does Stephen King write too much? Or was he writing too much when he was living in a trailer with his family and working as a teacher and in a laundromat?

The fact is that we are all standing at the roullette table of life and taking a gamble. The choices we make are either worth something or worth nothing. For me, all my choices have come up as nothing. This is why I am a complete loser. I can kick myself for all the wrong choices I made in life, but it is like regretting betting on red when you should have bet on black.

The reality is that most success and failure is undeserved. If you don't believe this, look no further than our current President. The difference between Democrats and Republicans is that Democrats tend to be talented but undeserving losers who want equality while Republicans are untalented undeserving winners who want to keep things just the way they are.

The path to success is easy. Have something people want and will pay for. Aside from money, I can't tell what people will want. Nobody really knows though the lucky ones will tell you they know. But even today's winners can become tomorrow's losers. This is how we get the one hit wonder, the eight track cassette, or even, IBM. Success is rare and ephemeral.

I find the best strategy is one of diversification. Spread your bets. Know a lot of different things. Talk to a lot of people. Apply everywhere. You never know what may turn up.

The Golden Mean

According to Aristotle, virtue lies in the mean between excess and deficiency. For instance, in terms of eating, virtuous eating lies between obesity and anorexia. It is really just common sense when you think about it.

For most people including myself, it is easier to live at the extremes. That is because extremism does not require prudence. You don't have to think about it. For instance, if you find yourself eating too much, you can do a ridiculous fad diet such as eating nothing but prunes. You lose a bunch of weight and then go back to eating burgers and gain the weight right back. Repeat ad infinitum.

You are the product of your habits. Almost anyone can make a temporary change and revolutionize their lives. But it rarely lasts. People slide into their old ways because their new ways are unsustainable. Will power can only take you so far. To make lasting change, you need the consistency that comes from habit.

People are impatient. They want change, and they want it now. It takes time to accumulate new habits. But the slow road is the certain road. Instead of a fad diet, eat a balanced diet. You won't lose weight fast, but you will lose it. It is a certainty. If you lose only a pound a week, you will have dropped 52 pounds by the end of a year.

The only real change comes from consistency, and consistency comes from moderation. You must find the mean between your excesses and your deficiencies and make those your life. This is where virtue comes from. Identify the mean, and the rest will take care of itself.

I have identified one golden mean in my life and that is concerning diet. I eat three meals a day and a snack. I always try to eat because this keeps me from getting hungry and making poor food choices. I then make the right food choices which boils down to cutting way back on fat and sugar. This means not eating burgers and fries or drinking sugary soft drinks. I eat grilled chicken instead of fried chicken. I use Splenda in my coffee. I drink water the rest of the time. The goal is merely to cut back on caloric intake by eliminating the calorie rich foods and beverages that are the staples of the American diet.

In terms of sleep, I am still working on this. This comes from the influence of my girlfriend who gets the proper eight hours per night. I couldn't help noticing she gets her stuff done while I get little done on my four hours per night. Now, I get 6 hours minimum per night. People who tell you they get by on four hours or less are lying. I've done that becoming a virtual zombie, and it kills your productivity. Things take twice as long because you are too fucking tired to move or think. Often, I end up wiping out on the couch which kills my schedule. That extra two hours of sleep saves me two hours each day as a result of fewer mistakes, so it pays for itself.

There are limits to what you can do. This doesn't mean you can't achieve a lot of things, but you are a human being. You have to eat and sleep. A frenetic lifestyle of overwork only leads to lower productivity and poor health. Accept your needs and live with them. The reality is that you end up achieving more. It seems paradoxical until you try it. Like the magic of compound interest, it adds up over time.

People are shortsighted. They overestimate what they can achieve in the short term but underestimate what they can do over the long haul. It is usually the young who fail to grasp this because they haven't lived long enough to appreciate the power of consistency. I know this has been an error of mine. But if you put in the effort day in and day out, you will be amazed at the results. A consistent small effort over time will add up to more than a haphazard string of willpower moments when you bust your ass in spurts followed by the pendulum swinging back to the other extreme.

I find my biggest challenge these days is simply identifying the mean. For instance, how many hours should you work each week? What is the excess and what is the deficiency? How much should you know? How many skills should you have? How many books should you read? As I said, the mean can be a difficult thing to grasp and figure out.

The mean also applies to your character traits. What is the proper level of anger? How much should you trust? How opinionated should you be? These are difficult as well.

I have also found that living by the mean often puts you into conflict with the wider society. For instance, everyone was very supportive of my healthy eating until I had to turn down the shit garbage they cook. Then, I was taking things to "an extreme." Or if I decide to not work more than 12 hours, I am a lazy piece of shit. I can tell you now that the mean for you cannot be defined by other people. They have an agenda which they expect you to serve, so you learn very quickly that virtue also requires selfishness. You have to take care of yourself first.

Another thing about the mean is that it can seem extreme at times when it really isn't. For instance, the ideal weekly mileage for a distance runner is between 100 and 140 miles per week. This seems staggering to consider, but it represents the sweet spot of training. Less than this will relegate you to averageness while more than this will put you on the disabled list. Everyone is different depending upon genetics and biomechanics, but this is what it takes to be a professional runner. For the rest of us, the benefits of fitness can be achieved with as little as 30 minutes of exercise per day.

There are many factors that go into determining the mean. Following the mean doesn't mean being an average person. These are dependant upon the goals you are pursuing and the resources you have available. For instance, Alicia Keys is both a gifted singer and a gifted student. But she found it difficult to attend college and also pursue her music career at the same time. So, she had to let one go for the sake of the other. Similarly, many working mothers put their careers on hold for a time in order to be good parents. The difficulty in choosing to do one thing well is also choosing not to do other things as well or even at all. This can be hard because it means limiting choices and options. But it can't be avoided. A champion bodybuilder can't also be a champion distance runner. They are incompatible.

I take comfort in the fact that I already have the eating and sleeping things figured out. These really won't change for me unless I decide to enter the Tour de France or something. The rest will take some time to figure out, but I am getting there. My next step is to figure out how much work is enough to keep my workaholic status while also maintaining my relationships and my three hobbies. A topic for another post.

Reversion to the Mean

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.--ARISTOTLE

I used to torment an ex-girlfriend with a concept called "reversion to the mean." Reversion to the mean is a concept in statistics where at some point things change back to what they are on average following a series of unusual outliers. The recent implosion in the housing market is one such example of this. The same thing would apply to coin flipping. You can't flip heads forever unless you have a two headed coin.

I apply the same concept to dating. Most people put their best foot forward when they get into a relationship and then devolve from there. This is why we think it is foolish to marry someone after only 24 hours. You need a bigger representative sample to make an assessment.

I try to put my worst foot forward in a relationship. This might seem foolish, but I'd rather a woman think the worst of me and surprise her later. I don't like disappointing people, so I try to hedge by lowering expectations. I can't say I have ever pulled this off as I find women have expectations regardless which you are almost certain not to meet.

As for women, I come in with low expectations, and they have always met them. I know the initial pleasantness of the first encounters will devolve into a mean of low grade misery and will remain there. It takes too much energy to fake it forever.

You can never judge a woman or a man until you know their mean. You must witness their highs, their lows, and their in-betweens. After this, you can make up your mind. I find the extreme events to be tolerable because they are brief and temporary. It is the grind of the mundane that is the real test.

The ex-girlfriend I mentioned was pretty bad. She tried hard but a few outliers could not overcome the mean of abusiveness, drunkeness, and drug abuse that emerged later. I had to walk on this.

I wonder where my own mean is. I know I am not a substance abuser, and I like to work a lot and make money. I am also outspoken in my character and personality and personal beliefs. I overgeneralize. I am ambitious, but I am also a loser. I am also wary to the point of paranoia of getting fucked over. My view of life is generally positive, but my view of human nature is tinged with the negative. I am a nice guy with a streak of meanness in him.

This way of thinking may be analytical, but every level of society employs it to some extent. This is why we have 90 day periods for new employees. This is why we have driving records and credit records and police records. The measure of a person's character is what they are on average.

People do change and adopt a new mean. You are the product of your habits. Drunks can sober up and remain so for decades often becoming obnoxious in their disdain for those who choose to drink. Prisoners can leave prison and turn their lives around. Losers can become winners. But the truth remains. You can change in a day but don't expect everyone to be credulous over it. This takes time. A new mean must emerge.

I know in my own life that I am striving to attain a new mean which I call the next level. They are centered on personal habits. My goals are generally character driven. Running a marathon and finishing it matters less to me than running consistently each day for a lifetime. I wish to work more and better. I want to quit being so disorganized in my life. I figure if I can do that then the achievements will come naturally from that.

I will have more on this when I discuss the Golden Mean. But I judge people by what they are on average. It takes more than a bad day or a bad remark from someone to change my judgment of somebody. I prefer to wait and see. I also know that it is always within me to change people's opinion of me. It just takes time and consistency.