Folks, I've been a bit nutty over the past couple of days here on the blog and elsewhere. So, I will level with you. I have met someone, and I am nuts about her. Yes, I know I am a total hypocrite on this. I am supposed to be the he-man woman hater. But this one is very special to me.

I keep going back and forth between wanting her and wanting to run her off. But I have settled on wanting her. My heart is hers to break. And so it goes. . .

So, I apologize for the bullshit. I'm not in my right mind currently because I have it bad for her. I find her very appealling on all levels. I love talking to her because unlike the other women I have dated, this one has a brain. She is very intelligent. She is also very kind and sweet but in a real way not a fake girlie way. I also like the fact that she has a very active life which includes running marathons.

There is a lot of chemistry between us. It was instantaneous. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. It is hard for me to believe that we have grown so close in such a short span of time.

I still retain my cynicism about love, and I am sad because I know love doesn't last. One day, she will get rid of me, and it will be over. But I like what I have now, and I am giving over to the experience. I just totally enjoy being with her. When I hold her, my heart feels like it will burst. When I am away from her, I feel an ache in my chest. It is a taste of the pain to come.

I am older and wiser, and I know better. But I still fall in love. I love this woman. She can do whatever she wants to me.

How To Build a Lasting Relationship

The media gives all sorts of prescriptions for relationship success. I can tell you they are all wrong. It isn't because I've been married for 50 years that I can tell you this. I've never been married. My longest relationship lasted 6 months. It is because of this long line of failure that I can tell you how to succeed.

I fail in relationships because I have a low tolerance for bullshit. In order to make it over the long haul, you have to be willing to put up with a lot of shit from the other person. And there is always bullshit

You're not going to read this in Psychology Today or see it on Dr. Phil. If you are going to be with somebody, you are going to have to take the good with the bad. You are going to have to eat shit.

The greatest model of this mentality would have to be Hillary Clinton. Certainly, there have been women who have endured worse, but I don't think many have endured quite so publicly as she has. If you're going to be in a relationship whether male or female, you are going to have to pattern yourself after her.

I can't do it. I know I can't do it. I can't be that husband who nods his head absentmindedly and says, "Yes, dear." I think it helps if both people are boring, quiet types. But even then, there is always some level of bullshit.

Marriage is an endurance event. You only have to ask married people, and they will tell you this. It is tough.

The key to building a lasting relationship is the same as doing well in the marathon--mileage. You work at it. You endure. You bite your tongue. You tolerate the bullshit. You stay at it and never quit. In time, your distress over things will lessen. You get used to that person. They don't bother you anymore.

I realize this is why women give me so much grief when I am dating them. They are merely testing whether I will hang in there or not. I always fail the test. I cannot run the gauntlet.

People will say that selection helps. You definitely don't want a cheater or a drug user for a mate. But you're never going to find the perfect partner. Perfect partners don't exist. As I said, you take the good with the bad.

The last question is this. Is it worth it? Is it worth tolerating all that bullshit? I don't know. Is it more tolerable to be alone? Prisoners in isolation for long periods of time lose their sanity. It is the hardest time you can do. Being single is tough because you always feel insecure. You have no one to count on but yourself. And as much as people divorce, they are always willing to give it another try except for someone like George Clooney.

I will always be single. I know this. It is the way I am. But I know what it takes. There is no secret. Maybe I'll decide to hang in there one day.

Permanent Darkness

I am done with relationships. From now on, all I care about is getting laid. I'm not going to keep fooling myself that women are worth much more than that.

I've gotten a lot of feedback over the years, and they are some variation on the same thing. There is something wrong with me that makes me either unsuited to be in a relationship or makes crazy women attracted to me. I can tell you what it is that is wrong with me. I am nice.

Nice guys finish last. This is the way it is. Women run all over nice guys. You will say that not all women are the same. There are some women out there that really do want a nice guy and know how to treat him. This is bullshit. There is only one class of female, and that is WHORE. They either want sex or money or both. This is just the way it is.

I am giving over to permanent darkness. I have no interest in having a relationship with any woman ever again. I only have problems when emotions get involved, so I'm not doing the emotions anymore. I only want to fuck. I am embracing my role as a rogue and a scoundrel. This is what women want. This is what women respect. This is what women will get from yours truly.

I have never met a Category 3 woman, and I never will. The Category 3 can be classed into that same species as Santa Claus, Sasquatch, and the Loch Ness Monster. She does not exist except in legend. I can call off the search.

It feels liberating and good to take this step. I feel a weight being lifted off of me as I say fuck it. I will treat these whores the same way they have treated me. There's no point in feeling guilty over it because as Aristotle has pointed out, women are without virtue. The Category 3 woman does not exist because women are not rational creatures. They feel first and try to put logic to it later. This is why a woman's words are meaningless.

A Category 3 woman is a virtuous woman. There are no virtuous women. I know better now. Women are fuckmeat. Nothing more. Naturally, female readers of this blog will howl in indignation. I really don't care anymore. They are still going to put out no matter what I say or do, and they are still going to try and fuck me over the first chance they get. Calling me a scumbag is just their exercise of the will to power over me to make me feel guilty. I have no guilt. I fuck.

There are only two types of scoundrels. The are those who were born that way, and there are those who were made that way. I was made this way. I'm just going to jettison the hope and the guilt. Miss Right does not exist. She never did. But Miss Wrong gives good head, so I'm going to deal with Miss Wrong and learn to like it.

An Utter Loss for Words

I feel a desperate need to write at this moment except I can't say anything. I try to express the words, but words simply cannot capture the depth of misery and pain I am in at this moment. I find it hard to even breathe.

I have a very low regard for women. I met a woman who raised my estimations of them. Then she lowered it below where it was previously. It's like taking a damaged car to an autobody shop and watching as they fix the damage and put a new coat of paint on it. Then, they douse it with gasoline and throw a match on it. This is what happened to me today.

I really didn't think it was possible to blow my mind on this shit anymore after all I've seen and been through. But whoever said there was nothing new under the sun was wrong.

I am at an utter loss for words. I'd tell the story, but what would be the point? Like my autobody analogy, it simply can't be explained or dealt with. It defies logic.

I'll see if I can sum this up. I am supposed to love a woman who is crazy about me unless some rich guy she has picked shows an interest in her; whereupon, I am supposed to immediately fall out of love with her and disappear as she pursues shameless gold digging. Folks, I can't make shit like this up.

I could understand if I was in the dark on this scheme. But she told me this. I could understand if I was simply being used for sex. But she tells me she is not that kind of girl. She fucks my brains out, but she says she doesn't want to go too fast. It blows my fucking mind.

Only the diseased mind of a shitheaded woman can think like this and see it as being right or moral. I find it so utterly repugnant that I can taste the bile in the back of my throat.

I am at a new level of darkness on this shit. My heart can't get any blacker. I was under the illusion that this woman might be the elusive Category 3 female I have been looking for, but she is really nothing more than a peculiar breed of Cat 1.

Folks, she really expects me to go along with this arrangement. A goddamn open marriage is more honest than this because at least all the participants know the deal going in. In this case, I am expected to shit on myself, like it, and sit by as she fucks over some other dude, and I know she doesn't love him. She just wants his money.

So, there it is. I have walked on this arrangement. And women want to call me a scumbag. Give me a fucking break.

Prostitute Yourself

Prostitute yourself. As far as I'm concerned, that's even braver than waiting for the public to catch on.

I recently read a Dilbert cartoon where the pointy haired boss gave a promotion to a meritless crony as opposed to a deserving skilled employee. Then, I have to deal with coworkers who call me a brown noser for working like I do. Finally, a very intelligent 9-year-old girl pointed out to me that her teacher's only real talent is putting on a show for the principal.

What does all of this have in common? It has to do with selling out. It has to do with selling yourself.

I hear time and time again from talented people about how deserving they are, and I agree that they are talented. But let's face facts. Rewards accrue to those who humble themselves and give people what they want. You can call this selling out, kissing ass, sucking dick, drinking the kool-aid, or whatever. The bottom line is that an average person who promotes himself or herself is going to do better than some above average talent who wants to be recognized.

I made the decision about a year ago to shamelessly promote myself. I designed a logo for myself that would serve as a brand, and I started using MySpace to meet people and get my writing out there. I also met a lot of chicks along the way. I do not intend to stop there.

Networking, self-promotion, selling yourself, etc. are good. It is good to prostitute yourself. Fuck your principles. If you do anything for money, you are already a whore. I don't see why we can't be good at it.

The fact is that I'd rather be a famous rockstar who made money with my music than be a principled musician waiting tables and sitting on my "integrity." The fact is that I see very talented people who go nowhere in their lives because of PRIDE. Fuck pride.

I am a whore, and I don't care who knows it. I give my customers, contacts, fans, etc. what it is that they expect. I don't see what is wrong with this. And people who hate this are simply haters. They are jealous.

I will continue to promote myself and sell myself. I want people to know me and appreciate what I have to offer, and if I have to beg to do it, so be it. This is why meritless people rise in the world. They have no shame. As for me, I do have merit, and where I don't, I admit it. The answer to this problem is for the talented people to get out there and promote themselves. They don't, and they won't. They'd rather sit back and call you an asskisser. So be it.

"Sell out" is just another term for success. I would love to be a sell out.