Charlie's Blog: Humor

Humor


A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan are driving cars and have a terrible pile up.  All three are killed instantly, go to their particular judgments and receive instant admission to Heaven.  Here are their reactions as they view the vistas of the Kingdom of Love Eternal:

Franciscan:  “This is exactly how Father Francis said it would be!”

Jesuit:  “This is exactly how I thought it would be!”

Dominican:  “Hey, wait a minute!  What’s the Jesuit doing here?”

***

A Franciscan and a Dominican were debating whose order was the greater. After months of arguing, they decided to ask God for an answer when they died. Years later, they met in heaven and went to God’s throne to resolve their old disagreement. God seemed a bit puzzled about the question and told them he would reply in writing a few days later. After much deliberation, God sent the following letter:

My sons,

Please stop bickering about such trivial matters. Both orders are equally great and good in my eyes.

Sincerely,
God, SJ

***

The seminarian had not studied for his church history exam. One of the questions was compare and contrast the Dominicans and Jesuits.

For compare, he wrote:

The were both founded by Spaniards.
Both were founded to combat heresy.
The Dominicans: Albigensianism.
The Jesuits: Protestantism.

For contrast, he wrote:

When is the last time you met an Albigensian?

***

A man praying for a Mercedes asked a Franciscan and a Jesuit how many novenas he would have to make.

The Franciscan asked, “What’s a Mercedes?”

The Jesuit asked, “What’s a novena?”

***

A Dominican, a Franciscan, and a Jesuit were in the same hospice, and all were near death. One evening, the Angel of Death appeared before them and informed them that it was their time and that each could have a final request before accompanying him from this world. 

The Dominican asked to gaze upon the face of his Savior. In an instant, the face of Christ appeared before him. He was satisfied and felt he could die with no regrets.

The Franciscan asked to touch the wounds in the hands and feet of Jesus before he died; Christ appeared and invited him, like Thomas, to examine his wounds. The dying priest touched Christ’s hands and feet and wept with joy, peace, and contentment. 

Finally, the Angel of Death asked the Jesuit for his final request. Without hesitation the Jesuit replied, “I’d like a second opinion.”

***

A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island.  They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it.  Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes.

They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. 

The Jesuit said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone! 

The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone!  

Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"

***

A Jesuit and a Franciscan sat down to dinner, and pie was served for dessert. There were two pieces of pie, one cut smaller than the other. The Jesuit reached over and took the larger piece for himself. 

The Franciscan remonstrated, "St. Francis always taught us to take the meaner piece." 

So the Jesuit replied, "And so you have it!"

***

One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"

***

A man has three sons who entered three different religious orders: the oldest became a Dominican, the second a Franciscan, and the youngest a Jesuit. On his deathbed, the father tells his sons, "I know you all have vows of poverty, but as a sign of your love for me, I want each of you to place one thousand dollars into my casket to be buried with me."

On the day of the funeral, the Dominican son steps up, places $1000 in the casket, and says, "This seems like a waste of money, since you can't take it with you, Dad. But with the special permission of my superiors, I'm doing as you requested, as a sign of my love."

Next, the Franciscan son approaches the casket and says, "You know I love you, Dad, but the needs of the poor are so great, I just can't let $1000 be buried with you. I hope you understand, now that you are in heaven. Please forgive me."

Finally, the Jesuit son comes forward and says to his brother, "Don't worry, Frank. I'll pay your share." Then he reaches into the casket, takes the cash left by his eldest brother, and puts in a check for $3000.