How to Cheat on Your Wife and Get Away With It

Let's face facts. Men are cheating dogs. I know because I interact with them on a daily basis, and I know what they do. Men cheat. They will lie and do whatever it takes to get some trim on the side. With that comes another fact. They almost always get caught. It could be Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant, Jesse James, Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford, or just a regular guy. These guys can't keep their dicks in their pants, and they can't get away with cheating. This is because they are stupid. So, I am going to help these guys out with a few tips I have gleaned over the years from watching what professional cheaters do. Of course, I suspect wives will read this and take notes on how to catch their man, but I can't help this. So, the first unofficial tip is to make sure your wife never reads this because if she does, you are fucked. You might actually have to honor those vows you foolishly made so long ago or prepare for divorce and/or severing of the male sex organ from the male anatomy. On with the tips.

1. Become morally empty.

The biggest problem with being a cheater is the guilt. You made a promise to someone that you don't want to keep. If she finds out, she will be devastated. The woman you profess to love and that you married will be crushed by the revelation that she is married to an utter piece of shit. This knowledge makes having an affair difficult because you will end up looking guilty. So, you need to learn to blunt that pesky conscience with bullshit reasoning, so you don't feel so bad about being a philanderer. Guilt can be seen on the face and will rat you out quickly. You want to avoid this.

The best way to accomplish this is with binary thinking. The successful cheater thinks of his wife sort of like a queen while his side women are considered something else. For instance, one cheater I know said his wife was the steak while all the other women were pork chops. He always came home to the steak. Italians in the New York area refer to their mistress as a "goumad." Whatever it takes, you want to think of your wife as still being special while your mistress is something common. This will trick your brain into thinking you are still faithful in some way instead of being the piece of shit that you are in actuality.

2. Establish a separate identity.

This is what I call the Batman Strategy. Batman was actually two people. The first guy is Bruce Wayne. The other guy is some fucked up vigilante in a bat suit. Wayne/Batman was adept at keeping those two identities separate. People didn't figure out that they were the same guy. This is what your goal is as a successful adulterer. You don't want your wife to find out of course. But you also don't want your mistress to find out either. This is where many cheaters fuck up. They keep no secrets from their mistress, and the mistress will fuck you when she gets good and ready. This usually happens when your promises to leave your wife turn out hollow. That will be another tip in our list.

Batman had his own car and his own pad called the Batcave. He had his own phone number that the commissioner could call. And you better believe Batman didn't carry around his Bruce Wayne wallet on his utility belt. Your separate identity should go as far as having a totally different name than yours. All the rest of these tips concern this separate identity.

3. Have a separate phone for cheating.

In order to make arrangements and work your women, you need two separate cellphones. Successful cheaters know this tip. Stupidity in this area is what nailed Tiger Woods. You want to use two separate carriers and have the bill for your cheater phone going to a separate address. If your wife sees a bill from AT&T and you are on Verizon, you are fucked. As for wives reading this, if you ever see your man with a different phone or second phone, he is cheating on you. He might say the other phone is for work or some shit as that. Don't believe it.

4. Have a separate place for cheating.

This place will be your Batcave. It might be a favorite motel, or it could even be a separate apartment. It all depends on your income. Rich men are notorious for putting up their mistresses in all sorts of fancy digs. The main thing to remember is to never bring your whore to your home. This is incredibly stupid. Your wife will nail you, but if she doesn't, the mistress knows your address now. When you fuck her over (and you will), she will not hesitate to come home to your loving and unsuspecting wife and spill the beans on your lying cheating ass.

5. Always use cash.

One of the biggest ways cheaters get caught is to leave a money trail. You can't do this. Always use cash. Never pay with check or plastic. Throw away all receipts as soon as you get them. A bill for a motel room or a fancy dinner will undo you. Wives merely need to look over financial statements each month to nail their man. Often, he will hide these through his work.

6. Use a separate vehicle.

This is the most difficult tip because cars are expensive. But if you use a rental car or take a cab, this will help things along. Mistresses can take down your license tag number and track you down this way. Whenever possible, let her drive her car or meet somewhere. But if you drive your car, your identity will be compromised as the mistress checks out your vehicle registration card while you stop at the store for a pack of smokes. Never use your own car and always lock the glove box.

7. Never use a woman's name.

Another way cheaters fuck up is to utter some other woman's name accidentally. This usually happens during sex with the wife. The successful womanizer knows that all woman have the same name, and that name is "Baby." Use it with all of them, and you can never fuck up. Of course, the wife who gets called "baby" all the time may pick up on this. But you have more plausible deniability with "baby" than you do with "Joyce."

8. Wear a separate set of clothes.

The successful cheater always has his cheater clothes that he changes into and out of when he needs to. Many a man has been caught because of the smell of perfume or lipstick on the collar. Wearing separate clothes and taking a shower will do wonders for covering your tracks. The downside is that you have to do your own laundry. Get your mistress to do it for you.

9. Manage your time.

You know Batman wasn't getting much sleep patrolling Gotham every night, and you won't either if you are a cheater. If keeping one woman happy is hard work, you can imagine what it takes to keep two or more happy. Since it is impossible to be in two places at the same time, the successful cheater learns to carve out time on a regular basis to do his dirty work. Trips out of town, late nights at the office, or the lunch hour hook up are all common plays in the cheater's playbook. The most successful cheaters I have ever seen were small businessman, contractors, and self-employed types who had flexibility in their schedules and used their jobs for cover. The main thing is to be consistent with those times. Unusual absences will set off the warning bells. The easiest way to catch a cheater when all is said and done is merely to look at his calendar.

10. Never make promises or lie to your mistress.

You can lie and cheat on your wife and get away with it. You can't do the same with your mistress. Don't tell her you will leave your wife and marry her. Always let her know the nature of your illicit relationship. She is some worthless whore you are balling on the side. You might fuck up and accidentally fall in love with her. Or she might fall in love with you. Relationships like this are like playing with a live hand grenade. You can do this, but if you drop the pin, you will have your hands full for awhile. The mistress will fuck you in ways you never imagined. Never forget this. As long as she doesn't know that you are really Bruce Wayne, you can drop her.

If all these tips seem like a lot of money and hard work, they are. If you want to cheat and get away with it, you are going to have to hustle your ass off. But men get lazy, and this is how they get caught. Yet, if they put in half of their time and effort into the women they married, they would probably find themselves better off and happier. But that would make too much sense. The name of the game is to get down with some strange. It is the thrill of the hunt and the danger of being caught. Cheating makes life exciting. But so does jumping out of airplanes. Try the skydiving for awhile and see what that gets you. It is way cheaper and takes less time and work. Plus, you get to keep your conscience and your good name and the woman who loved you enough to marry you.